Miscolored Pipe: Why Mario Isn't a Hero

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN CONTENT UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN

Most people would argue the fact that Mario could be a villain, saving the princess and all. However, after doing research (and lots of it), I discovered Mario has taken part in animal cruelty, murders, and even sexual content.

Mario takes part in animal cruelty. In his second game, mainly starring the character Donkey Kong ( that's in italics because that's the game I'm talking about) Mario actually abuses Donkey Kong, who's unfortunately Mario's pet. Anyway, in the game, Mario actually beats DK and Donkey Kong got angry so he took Pauline (I'll talk about her in my next topic). Mario fixes this by beating DK on the head with a hammer and goes to kissing his girlfriend.

Mario with a hammer.

Also, in the Game & Watch series, there's a game called "Donkey Kong Circus". In the game, you're Donkey Kong balancing on a barrel. You need to juggle pineapples while avoiding being burnt by the torches. Oh yeah, if you get burnt, Mario laughs at you. Super Mario Wiki claims: "

This game may be set as a prequel to the original Donkey Kong, since it is said that it was Mario who unwittingly started the conflict by mistreating his pet."

Game & Watch's "Donkey Kong Circus"

2. Mario cheats on three girls at once. Of course, Mario and Peach have something going on. But what about Daisy? Pauline? Well, you guys already know about Mario cheating on Pauline for Peach, but in Super Mario Land, at the end, you kiss Daisy... on the lips!

Who would kiss this terrifying thing!?

3. Mario Murders the toads. In the original Mario plat former, the manual suggested that King Koopa (Bowser) turned all of the Mushroom Kingdom's inhabitants into brick blocks.

Wait. the same blocks we destroy to get money and items? Seems kind of extreme just to save one of your three girlfriends.